Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
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You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.