Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
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Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Leaving the Barbers like
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
❤️🦆
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.