professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
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Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Okay
yall want some gasoline milk
I’m aging like a fine banana
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
jesus christ confetti not now
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
wishing you and yours all the best
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???