Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
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One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
the official breakfast of 2021
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.