oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
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Finally a use for spoilers…
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*