the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
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“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT