I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
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It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!