Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
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You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
‘I know a black person’
– White people
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
they split up moments later
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science