It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
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Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
a fate I wish upon no one
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.