Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
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Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.