Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
You Might Also Like
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
love it when they get my name right
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”