Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
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*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Basketball games are very squeaky.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!