I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
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He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose