My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
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I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
*pokes sex life with a stick
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*