I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
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If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Can’t. Being lazy.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
I’m not proud
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.