Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
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Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
#CoronaOutbreak
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit