Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
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my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no