I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
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That stupid look on my face, is my face
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.