Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
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Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans