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Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Cake safety first. Always.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?