One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
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*puts cutlery down*
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
My whole life was a lie.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.