KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
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interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?