My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
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I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.