I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
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The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Meanwhile in Canada…
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.