My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
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The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
My wife has the worst taste in men.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.