I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
You Might Also Like
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.