Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
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*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
drew a comic about my origin story
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
she has a point
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
How to wake up a Beagle
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.