Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
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*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?