Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
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“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Do not steal food from the science building!
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.