Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
You Might Also Like
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …