Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
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What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
what the
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida