One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
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*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
i now pronounce you bounced.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”