Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
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me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Ugh
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”