My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
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STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.