Hmm, not sure about this change
You Might Also Like
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
A friend helps you before you need it
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house