Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
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[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot: