them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
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Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
#Thanos #MondayMood
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?