Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
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SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems