The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
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Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”