just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
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Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john