Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
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wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Danger is very dangerous
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
How to draw a duck
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”