When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
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THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc