Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
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How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
This is hilarious….
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
three things we don’t talk about
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out