When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
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They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*