Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
You Might Also Like
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
My dad is at it again
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*