*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
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[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.