Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
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I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….