wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
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How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
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