Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
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I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
#titanic
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.