Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
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[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Raisins are grape jerky.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Dune (2021)
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
🤣✨#caturday
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.